…..for want of a Wispa

This post is not actually about chocolate, or even the return of the best chocolate bar ever (now comes with Caramel – ohhhhhhhh). It’s actually about the little known parental skill called ‘The Death Wispa’ – or more importantly, how the lack of this little known skill can land you deep in the non-edible chocolate coloured stuff (that being shit to you and me).

Mother trailed by policeman and warned by council for telling off son at checkout

A mother who reprimanded her children at a supermarket was secretly followed by an off-duty policeman and interrogated by fellow officers who reported her to social services.

The 34-year-old, who has had no previous problems with the police, was horrified when she was visited at home by two uniformed officers six weeks after the incident.

They said she had been seen by the off-duty officer who had trailed the family to their house – a 15-minute walk away – to get their address.

Now first off, I will confess to shopping in a local supermarket. Secondly, I will confess to sometimes having to take my Squids with me. Thirdly, I will confess to reprimanding them, once in a while, by threatening to shove them face first into the nearest freezer and holding the door shut whilst they try (in vain) to escape. Fourthly, I will confess that I have never, ever been caught doing this, least of all by an off duty police officer that had nothing better to do than follow me home from the local supermarket because he was an inteferring fucktard concerned for my children’s safety*.

During the visit, the officers asked the mother what forms of discipline she imposed on her 11-year-old son and four-year-old daughter.

When she admitted she occasionally gave them a smack ‘as a last resort’, they advised her to stick to the alternative methods she already used, such as withdrawing treats and banning television.

She later received a letter from the local council informing her that the ‘chastisement’ of her children in public had been put ‘on record’.

Yep, that sounds about right, because threatening to withdraw treats and banning television will work a treat, in the middle of a supermarket, when the whole world is watching your children run riot, and the punishment is directed at people that have the memory span of a goldfish.

Sigh.

We will skip to the important bits of this story now.

During the conversation, the police warned her that, in some cases, they had the right to go into schools and talk to children directly, which she said was ‘intimidating’.

LARF. Er, no they can’t. No child under the age of 16 can be interviewed or questioned by the Police without a responsible adult present. That adult could be a Solicitor, Parent, Teacher or Guardian etc but if the child has a Legal Guardian (aka Parent etc) that Guardian has to be informed before interview/questioning starts (I could be wrong here).

Anyhoo, the crux of this post is thus – there will always be some Jobsworth Arsewipe at the checkout, just dying to cream his/her Jobsworth Pants at the site of a ‘crime against the chiiiiiildren’ being committed before his/her very blinkered eyes. To avoid this kind of useless kerfuffle all parents should understand that when punishing your offspring in public it must be done in such a way as to not offend those cockjockeys that think parental discipline is wrong, just wrong.

* How did I get away with this child abuse, simple. You use the ‘Death Wispa’. The minute, in fact, the very second your Squid/s starts kicking off you grab them by the collar, bend down and Wispa in their ear that if they don’t pack it in you are going to kill them. You don’t do it at the Check out, you do it when it is needed.

 

…..how do I do that?

Having finally settled on a blog design I like, my blogroll is getting longer and longer and I know some peeps are missing. I would like to remove the blogroll (I plan to make a new page for this) and have the rss feed thingy instead. Can I do this on a WordPress blog and if yes, could someone tell me how?

…..sex-ed-ucashun

Tis a long one, you have been warned.

Well now. I see this topic is back in the news again.

Pupils to be forced to have sex education under age of consent

Parents are to be forced to allow their children to have sex education before the age of consent, the Government announced today.

Under the new laws, when children reach 15 their parents will lose the right to withdraw them from sex education.

At present parents can remove their children from lessons about sex until they are 19.

Now like a lot of people, I have a real problem with this new legislation. Until my children are 16 yrs old they are my responsibility, both legally and morally. Once they hit 16 the responsibility starts to move from me to them.

At 16 they can have sex. They can get married with parental consent. They can sign up for the Armed Forces (with parental consent?). They can ride a moped.

At 17 they can drive a car. They can have sex. They can get married with parental consent. They can sign up for the Armed Forces. They can ride a moped.

At 18 they can buy booze n fags (although there is no legal age regarding drinking or smoking). They can have sex. They can sign up for the Armed Forces and fight on the front line. They can ride a moped. They can buy a house.

At no point in this process does the moral or legal responsibility pass from me to my children via the state*.

Until now.

What this Legislation does is force me, the parent, to hand my children over to the State for one year. One year in which I cannot prevent the State from teaching my children anything they want to (yeah right, like they are going to stop at Sex-ed – LARF, see Glomal Warbling, meat eating etc). The tricky thingy is, I cannot find out if my children (at the age of 15 and deemed adult enough to receive full on sex-ed) can ‘opt out’ if they want to. If they can’t ‘opt out’, and I can’t ‘opt them out’ then surely sex-ed-ucashun will become sex-in-doctrination.

Anyhoo, this is all really a smoke screen. It is a way for me to introduce a topic that I had no other way of introducing. A topic that has really upset/scared me. Seriously.

I picked Big Squid (11 years old) up from Big School and whilst driving home she filled me in on the latest gossip. We had a bit of a chat about lessons, food etc and then she dropped the bombshell.

‘Ozzy has a video on her phone that shows a woman and a tiger’.

Ozzy is 12 years old and she has a video of a woman having sex with a tiger on her phone.

I was mortified (I have seen the video) and texted Ozzies Mum. According to Ozzies Mum, my 11 yr old daughter made it all up.

To be honest, I was going to rant long and hard about this but I am so horrified that someone could accuse my 11 yr old daughter of having beastiality day dreams that I am stunned*.

*Let’s keep it simple folks, obviously there are lots of times that the state has to intervene.

*I apologisie, I tried to tie these two points together but I failed.

 

…..do you take family bookings?

Buy 1 get 2 free.

H/T Ex-traction Plaster Cast-Man.

…..eeeeek, it’s been nice knowing ya!

Comment left at B&D

K & J,
The thing I don’t get about B&D is that you both write fantastic posts. Articulate, honest, funny and eye opening (far better than I could ever do) but some times you behave like a pair of drunken chavvy cunts setting about another drunken party goer ‘cos she looked at you wrong, like innit’.

I do understand that you can write whatever the fuck you like on your blog, that’s every bloggers right, but sadly, for a while now, you appear to have been more intent in slagging off other bloggers than writing the stuff you do best.

Me, I’m the scum of society, I’m a scrounging, welfare dependant, single Mum of three. I am despised by all the Tax Payers of Britain. My opinion counts for nothing. In fact I’m sure that many readers think I don’t deserve a voice at all.

I’m fighting a losing battle. You, on the other hand, have everything on your side, and yet you spend your time waging a handbag war against another blogger because you don’t like him. Why do you do this?. His opinion is his, yours is yours.

There is no Country Club, unless you define a group of people with similar ideals a Country Club.

I will admit that I missed the whole ‘D&B getting banned from Anna Racoon stuff’ but my answer has to be -

And?.

For fucks sake, it’s her blog and if she doean’t want to listen to your opinion, well tough titty to you. End of. And Vice Versa.

I was expecting you guys to come up with a cracking post tonight. Sadly you just polished your handbags and glittered your spittle.

Mummy x

…..*shock*

Karzai declared elected president

Well I didn’t see that coming

NOT

Hey Gordon, thank the fucking lord that you and the Holy See had already decided that the ‘Oh so Blessed Holy son Of God – Tony Blair’ had sorted out Afghanistan else us proles might think that you utter fucking cunts had fucked it right up the wall.

…..what’s good for the goose

Is good for the gander.

Unless of course the goose get’s ditched in the process. Then it’s just wrong, sniff, wrong I tell ya!. Well according to Laura Millar it is.

‘My boyfriend went to therapy to boost his confidence…and it ended up tearing us apart’

This is a boring long story so it could be a long fisk, but, to be honest, I can’t be arsed. So here is the story in a nutshell.

Patronising Feminazi seeks therapy to deal with standard life crap such as relationship break up and job loss  – *Shock*.

Patronising Feminazi then meets Younger Man – *Shock*.

Patronising Feminazi then patronises Younger Man – *Shock*.

Younger Man seeks (non Feminazi) therapist to help deal with Patronising Feminazi – *Shock*.

Non Feminazi therapist points out that Patronising Feminazi does nothing for Younger Man’s confidence. *Shock*

Younger man ditches Patronising FemiNazi. – *Shock*

Patronising FemiNazi blames therapist. *Larf*

And this folks, has to go down as the quote of the year.

‘Psychotherapy encourages you to wrap yourself up in your own feelings,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t leave much room for anyone else.’ I just wish I’d known that a lot sooner.

LARF.

…..which came first?

The chicken or the egg the policy or the evidence?. Well we all know the answer to that one now, don’t we children?. How ever, it would appear that Big Al didn’t bother to think things through when he decided to exercise those ‘jerking knees’. And now he’s in the shit, again.

Having sacked Professor Nutt the science world is kicking off. Which is not a great surprise is it?. The bit that makes me chuckle most is Al’s reason for sacking the Professor

In a letter, the home secretary wrote: “I cannot have public confusion between scientific advice and policy and have therefore lost confidence in your ability to advise me as chair of the ACMD.

But Al, if your Boss had actually listened to the scientific advice in the first place, there wouldn’t be any confusion would there?, and let’s be honest, these science peeps, well they do seem to know a bit about science. Some where else you were quoted as stating that Professor Nutt had over stepped the line between science and politics. If that is so wrong how come your Boss can over step the line between politics and science? As Professor Nutt points out -

‘When Gordon Brown said cannabis was a lethal drug he made a fundamental mistake. He made a statement outside his area of competence, completely undermining the position of scientists.’

The very strangest thing is that the real science has been around a while now -

There is lot’s of science out there, lot’s of stats etc, some even provided by your very own department.

DRUG DEATHS

Tobacco 114,000

Alcohol 5,000 to 40,000

Heroin, morphine, methadone 944

Cocaine 147

Ecstasy 48

Aphetamines 83

Solvents 45

Cannabis 16

Source: Office for National Statistics, Department of Health and Ash.

Figures refer to 2004, where substance is mentioned on the death certificate, except alcohol and tobacco which are annual estimates.
Source: Home Office research.

Sadly, even your own figures can’t be trutsed 100% can they?, because you paid Ash to produce some of them, so not really that independant, but the gist is there. I think the only confusion here Al, is why the evidence says one thing yet the policy dictates another. You sacked Professor Nutt because he doesn’t agree with your policy, yet you asked him to provide the evidence for that policy and then you ignored it.

Scientists who work for the Government believe they are working to ensure evidence based policy making, sadly the Government who works for itself is working to ensure policy based evidence making. Funny enough though, this is not actually allowed and yet you still get away with it. Your very own rule book states -

[Ministers] should certainly not seek selectively to pick pieces of evidence which support an already agreed policy, or even commission research in order to produce a justification for policy: so-called “policy-based evidence making” (see paragraphs 95–6). Where there is an absence of evidence, or even when the Government is knowingly contradicting the evidence—maybe for very good reason—this should be openly acknowledged.
Paragraph 89, House of Commons Science and Technology Committee: Scientific Advice, Risk and Evidence Based Policy Making

Me, I think the Government is just loving this, after all, if all the independant science peeps refuse to work for them, they will be free funnel even more tax payers money to fake charites like Ash, Alcohol Concern etc who are more than happy to produce the results the Government really wants. It’s a win -win for the Government, and another fuck in the eye for the proles. But you knew that already, didn’t you?.

H/T to WhollyRude for the chart.

…..sure as eggs is eggs

Monday brings another ‘food willl kill us all’ story. And as usual, what ever scientific properties were to be found in this latest study, they are swiftly drowned out by the inability of the writer to seperate the various parts of the study. Instead they do a quick skim of the report and squash all the results into one convenient soundbite.

Depression link to processed food

Eating a diet high in processed food increases the risk of depression, research suggests.

What is more, people who ate plenty of vegetables, fruit and fish actually had a lower risk of depression, the University College London team found.

Sigh.

There may well be some truth in this but my question is, if the danger is processed food why has the Beeb used a picture of eggs, bacon and mushrooms to highlight this story?. Even better, the picture tag line is

Fried food is one of the processed foods looked at in the study

Now food is either processed or not processed. The cooking method does not alter this. Last time I looked bacon, eggs and mushrooms were not in any way, processed. They are all natural products. All three can be processed into other stuff, but in their natural state, they are, well, natural. Now I could be wrong here but I’m pretty certain that there is only one way to make an egg, one way to make a mushroom and one way to make bacon.

…..bwahahahahahaha*

*done in a Christopher Lee kind of voice.

Now I understand why all the shops are banning flour and eggs.

Imagine the scene:-

Ding Dong

‘Trick or Treat?’

‘Who could that be?’.

‘Well bless my soul, it’s Dracula, a witch, a ghost and Darth Vadar. Gosh you really have gone to a lot of trouble haven’t you. Let me see if I can find you a treat, shall I?’

‘Carrot sticks anyone?’

FFS

Give children ‘healthy Halloween’

Parents should shun chocolate bars and sweets this Halloween and instead give their children spooky-themed healthy food, a charity says.

The World Cancer Research Fund has come up with a series of Halloween recipes to give families ideas.

These include toast shaped like ghosts, eyeball eggs and carrots made to look like Frankenstein’s fingers.

As we all know, right this minute, parents up and down the country are carving pumpkins, trying to buy tealights and fake fangs at the last minute and generally being driven mad by Squids (mine included) who are nearly peeing their pants with excitement at the prospect of dressing up, scaring themselves and each other silly, running around the streets after dark knocking on doors and coming home with a bucket of chocolate cold toast and raw vegetables for their troubles.

Marni Craze, the World Cancer Research Fund’s children’s education manager, said: “Many party foods on sale at this time of year can be high in sugar and fat but it is possible to have healthier alternatives without losing any of the fun.

Er, Marni, no offence love, but I cannot think of a single adult, let alone Squid, that could, even with the biggest stretch of the imagination, describe cold toast as fun.

As we all know, this is a research based blog (shut up) so having done a quick survey (1 girl, 2 boys) and asked them all what they expect to get in their ‘booty boxes’ the resounding answer was ’sweets, chocolates, plastic spider rings and may be even some money’. When asked if they would rather get Toasty Ghosties and Carrot Sticks the glare was, well, to be quite honest, scarey.

Erm, do you have these in chocolate?